Thursday, April 24, 2014

"U" is for Unique: A-Z Challenge

U is for Unique

Unique may not be a unique word for the A-Z Challenge.  I’ll bet by the time I’m done writing this post I’ll be tired of the word unique. 

But I think unique applies very well to my situation.  Seriously, how many people have you come across in the A-Z Challenge that are writing about sex addiction?  I think it’s a safe bet I’m the only one.  Making me, well, unique.

Devin and I are also unusual (sorry, I needed a break from the word unique) as a couple.  Not because of how we met.  We met online.  Thousands of partners meet that way. We are exceptional because we stayed together despite his addiction.  Most end up divorced after disclosure.  We are the rare couple that stuck together.

He also found a unique online recovery program immediately after his addiction was diagnosed.  He credits his initial success to Candeo.  It’s dedicated to breaking the cycle of addiction by replacing bad habits with good ones. 

But wait.  There’s more.

It’s unique in theory too.


Because Candeo believes addiction to porn works the same as addiction to narcotics and alcohol. Dopamine and endorphins rush through the body and create a high when someone views porn. Perceptions become skewed and eventually, intimacy is distorted.  Candeo teaches the addict how to retrain their brain to emotionally connect again.  How to replace unhealthy behaviors with healthier ones.

If you want to learn how Candeo explains the brain-chemical addiction, click the link.  It’s quite fascinating.

They don’t limit themselves to porn addiction either.  They are also helping people living with anxiety and depression.  A great and unique program.  Just like Devin and I..well, we're not a program.  We're in a program.  You know what I mean!

What makes you unique?


This post is part of the A-Z Challenge.  Wanna see more?

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

"T" is for Truth: A-Z Challenge

T is for Truth

Today I’m writing about the TRUTH.  Cue the dramatic music or play this clip from A Few Good Men:

“You can’t handle the truth!”  

Um, yeah, I can.  Settle down, Jack. 

It seems I’m not alone in my pursuit for the truth either.  Bing it and you’ll find hundreds of sayings.  (Or Google it, if that’s more your thing. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Bryan.)

Devin was full of shit lies in the beginning of our marriage.  His sex addiction caused him to deceive me about everything.  He lied about the store being out of yogurt to not looking at porn.  Truth telling was rare back then. It also caused him to stumble over his falsehoods.  It’s hard to keep lies organized.

When I found out what Devin’s addiction caused him to do, it hurt me like no pain I’d ever felt.  I went through the five stages of grief to cope with the loss of what I thought had been our marriage. 

I denied what I just learned.  It was impossible I had been so damn clueless.  That led to anger about the porn and the affairs.  I bargained with God, “Please God, don’t let this diagnosis of sex addiction be real. I’ll be a better person if You just make this go away.”  I alternated from depression to anger – not just at Devin, but at myself, God, my job, my health – anything to help me from not feeling sad.  Finally, I accepted the truth and my reality.  I realized his addiction was not my fault but I had some serious work to do - on me.

I discovered that as much as the affairs hurt, the lies hurt more.  I felt relieved to finally know the truth after being told it was all in my head.  Time after time, I questioned Devin about how much porn he looked at and was told I made a big deal out of nothing.  I ignored my gut instincts and trusted in deceits instead.  Being told the truth allowed me to start trusting myself again. 

Knowing my husband is a sex addict was scary at first.  I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to handle his diagnosis.  It turns out I’m a better person for knowing the truth.  It forced me to take a good look at myself and figure out why I accepted his lies as truths. His honesty put me on a path to a great recovery and a happier, healthier marriage than I ever thought we could have.

Have you been lied to?
Did you give the person a second chance or kick them to the curb?

This post is part of the A-Z Challenge.  Wanna see more?