Hello my friends. I write today from my original blogging roots, a need to write to exorcise the demons that have crept inside my head. It will be a journal entry, long and windy and probably not very well put together. Will I even publish it? Probably. I always have in the past.
H.A.L.T. has gotten to me (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). I’m exhausted…I was hungry but I’m eating right now. Some things are easily fixed. I’m also angry although I’m not quite sure why. I have some ideas and I think once I begin writing (aka rambling) I’ll have a firmer grasp on the real reason.
I had to reread some sections in my well-worn book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse again. Especially about detaching with love because I am struggling with it. I am finding it easier to either erect a wall and retreat into silence so I don’t say something I’ll regret or go in the opposite direction and make sharp comments.
I have lost my ability to remain neutral the last few days. I have lost my ability to remain patient for an entire conversation. I am tired.
I feel like I am engaged in a bizarre waiting game with Devin. Only, it’s not Devin I’m in the waiting game with, it’s the not-so-new aspect of his disease. He’s not acting out in a sexual way, of that I’m certain. There is no porn, no cheating, no masturbation…instead, the red flags are showing themselves in other places.
Now that I have chosen this mode of detachment, I can see it clearly, as an outsider looking in, and I see his life is unmanageable. I think this is why I am angry. I can’t decide if I’m angry at myself for wanting to reach in and help him or I’m angry at him for not seeing it for himself.
We sat down the other night and had a heart to heart talk about my fears regarding his buying habits. I was careful not to use the term “shifting addictions” but I did ask if he saw it as a problem. He feels he is better than he was a few months ago then I let him know that he wasn’t forthcoming with me about how much he’s spending on his gaming hobby each month.
He explained his reasons for his hobby and why he continues to buy the models/figures although he doesn’t play anymore. He feels he has lost so much of his identity over the last few years, this is the last piece of himself he has left and by visiting gaming sites and buying figures, this makes him feel connected to the gaming world.
This explanation did two things for me. First, it helped me understand he is in denial about how much he spends moneywise and timewise on gaming or that he has a problem at all and second, he’s not ready to face it yet.
I know in my heart he heard me. He understood what I was telling him when we spoke that night at our kitchen table because he asked if we could go see our rockin’ counselor together next time. Unfortunately, she cancelled both of our appointments this week and we don’t see her until December but that’s okay. We’ll survive.
Since I started detaching from him a few weeks ago, he’s done the storm door, did a small (very small) amount of work in the spare room, helped in Junior’s room, and then after the discussion about him spending money on his hobby he went out and bought a new bed set for Junior…I had to think about that one for awhile.
My first impulse was to be angry but once he put it together he spoke about how happy Junior will be he said, “Plus, when I snore, you can sleep in here and I’m going to get a better mattress for it too.” So, I think it was his way of showing me he doesn’t just buy stuff for him? I don’t know…either way, it’s a great bed set.
So, why am I angry? After typing this out…I’m not anymore. I am married to an addict. This is part of the addict special package (it’s in the fine print on the marriage contract) and if I am going to stay then this is the kind of stuff I need to work through – on my own and with him.
Or, maybe I’m all angry inside because I’ve been away from Blogger for so long?
Besides, as the awesome aforementioned book says:
To let go does not mean to stop caring;
It means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off;
It’s the realization that I can’t control another;
To let go is not to enable,
But to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another;
It’s to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
But to care about
To let go is not to judge
But to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is to not be in the middle arranging all of the outcomes,
But to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To let go is not to be protective;
It’s to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
But instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires
But to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
But to try and become what I dream I can be
To let go is to not regret the past
But to grow and live for the future
To let go is to fear less and love more.